Montgomery Johnson

Failure Detective

Episode Thirty-Five

What Makes Me REALLY Angry!

You know what makes me really angry? I was walking to my Political Science 133 class, Politics in the Yukon, which I just so happened to teach that day. Suddenly, as I turn my head ever so slowly to my left, I see a large banner that says "Vegan Cookies." That just boils my cake, and I made myself so angry while I just stood there that I ran over to the long-haired, sandal-wearing, booger-faced hippies and I immediately began yelling into one of their faces, making sure my fiery spit got into their orifaces.

Lieutenant Dr Professor-Dectective Montgomery Johnson: "You are idiots. Do you think selling vegan cookies will ever convert people to your evil religion!?"

Vegan Idiot: "Uh, we... uh..."

LDPDMJ: "SILENCE! You cannot stop my wraith!"

VI: "Uh..."

Other VI "Sir, veganism is not a religion. Veganism is where you choose not to eat meat or animal products of any sort."

LDPDMJ: "Don't you try using your evil, heathenistic logic on me, filthy hippie!"

OVI: "We aren't trying to use any logic on you. I don't even know why you're yelling at us..."

I thought silently for myself for a moment before I responded and simply fed their desires to angry me into irrationality, which is for their own good. My humble approach to the situation did not seem to open the hippies' minds to my opinions, them and their savage ways, so I quickly tried another route, beginning with a smile.

LDPDMJ in "Cool" Mode: "Hey dudes, so yea, um, I was, um, just thinking, um, maybe I should, uh, you know, heheh, I'm a cool guy hee, eh, I mean maybe you should just, like, get, hey, so mind if I, uh..."

OVI: "Excuse me, sir, what are you trying to say? That just sounds like mumbling that you're making, just after you stared at us blankly for a few moments."

LDPDMJi"C"M: "... yea, so I'm cool... yea, pretty cool..."

VI "What?"

LDPDMJ Not i"C"M Anymore: "SHUT UP SCUM BAG!"

VI: "You're frightening me!"

LDPDMJNi"C"MA: "BLAAARRRGGG!"

It was right at that moment that I realized something was up. Something was wrong. The setting just did not look right. I observed the hippies and their bright colored t-shirts and unrefined hair-jobs. Then, I oogled the school buildings around me, reflecting the light of their brick facades. Then, I noticed their delicious cookies. Yum yum, I could use some food--WAIT, THEY'RE EVIL COOKIES! Nevermind, then.

I stared at them, pointed a finger to the sky and said "Ah hah!"

OVI: "Ah hah, what?"

LDPDMJ: "This school has tests that you must take to get into it. Now, these tests are usually done once every few months. Now, you people are so called "Vegans," and vegans are known not to eat meat or animal products. Due to this lifestyle, they instead consume a sum of vegetables, fruits, and minerals. All of that food comes from farms, and farms are usually led by relatively poor and uneducated people. Since they don't learn things, they do not pass these traits off to their kin, whereas their personal creations can also be considered their kin. Now, since their agriculture business is their creation, they must obviously be putting ignorance into their produce! OH! OH! And they don't like meat either so they're programming that into their food, too!"

OVI: "Wait, what?"

LDPDMJ: "...and then, you guys must obviously be ignorant since you eat vegetables all of the time! The programming has gone to your brain. Which means, you couldn't have possibly gotten into a brick-facaded University, since brick-facades symbolize wealth and good posture of a building!"

OVI: "That's ridiculous."

LDPDMJ: "So, you must clearly be here for some other purpose, which obviously has something to do with selling these cookies!"

OVI: "...like fundraising?"

At that moment, I realized what they were up to: they were terrorists who had planted bombs in their cookies and were out to destroy the school system and implement ignorance into everyone's minds!

LDPDMJ: "GET DOWN!"

OVI: "AHHHHHHHHH!"

I picked up the side of the table, launching all of the cookies onto the ground, watching them scatter helplessly onto the floor. Figuring that no human being, terrorist or not, would ever eat food off the ground in their right mind, I decided that my mission had come to an end. I had solved a mystery and taken the enemy down. My work here was done.



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Meritory

On personal news, my political club at my school, S.A.G.E. (Students Advocating Global Education), got a deserving amount of email submissions by people who stopped by our table during the Student Organization Fair. Generally, I was surprised how many people seemed interested in our club. Over the course of being a student at my university, I have found that not many people seemed politically inclined, which is why I am grateful for a mere eleven people who seemed interested in our missions for the semester and the brief meeting or talk we had with them. A few of them, actually, were all park of a Sikh club on campus, as well as another few members from MSA (Muslim Student Alliance). I would like to have more people from all different types of ethnically, religiously, or politically based institutions at our school as to help spread out the interests of the club and make it more of an open-minded forum.

S.A.G.E., I feel, could serve well as a group of people from all different opinions who can support or discuss each others' missions and beliefs. There are plenty of unique opinions in the student body and I would love to see all types of people join us at our meetings.

Tuesdays at 4:30pm, Costanoan Room.

Ciao,

Meritory